A list of things I know/understand about fantasy basketball, which I signed up for on a lark this year:
1. I have Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Brandon Jennings (go Bucks), Brook Lopez and Carmelo Anthony on my team.
2. They are good (when healthy).
A list of things I do not know/understand about fantasy basketball.
1. Everything else.
Showing posts with label Sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sports. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
PWWWMTW list
That's right. It's back. The weekly Players Who Will Wrong Me This Weekend list. (If you don't already know, we're talking fantasy football here). And what I would say to them were they here.
to Calvin Johnson: C'mon, dude. You're Megatron. Suck it up and play already. I spent a 2nd round pick on you all over the place and so far you've only lived up to your reputation as a Lion. Be a man.
to Shonn Greene: So I assume since I've added you on a bunch of teams this week, you're going to be entirely mediocre the rest of the season, correct? You just wanted to tease me (and the rest of fantasyland) with your breakout performance against the lowly Black Holes.
to Jay Cutler: Jay, I have a nagging feeling you are going to lay a big, fat egg vs the Cleveland Stains this weekend. Why is that?
to Cedric Benson: How dare you take a week off.
to Matt Forte: Man, are you looking like the bust of the year. Now if you don't have a huge day against the Cleveland D that just made 2009 Ryan Grant look like
2007 Ryan Grant, I may be forced to drive to Chicago and smack you.
to Brandon Jacobs: Dude, you're huge. I don't have you on a single fantasy team, but could you do me the favor of getting hurt? You're overdue. Plus, then your backup, Ahmad (whom I DO have on several teams) will get the full load of carries he deserves.
to Andre Johnson: Not really much to say here. I guess it's perfectly understandable to not play because of a lung contusion. Wuss.
to Ricky Williams: A week after carrying me to an unlikely victory, I have a feeling you're going to have the following statline: 5 carries, 13 yards, 0 TDs, 1 big bowl of crow for me.
to Frank Gore: When Vernon "Stonehands" Davis steals your thunder, you've got a problem.
to Jonathan Stewart, Steve Smith 1.0: Eesh. Any chance you guys could do anything on offense? How bout this? Bench Delhomme, let DeAngelo take ALL the direct snaps, put the Daily Show in the backfield with him, and run the triple wing with Version 1.0. This is what those stats would look like:
Delhomme: 0 for 0, 0 yds, 0 TDs, and, most importantly, 0 turnovers
Williams: 2 for 2, 14 yds, 0 TDs; 22 carries, 109 yds, 2 TD
Stewart: 18 carries, 75 yds, 1 TD
Smith: 2 catches, 14 yds, 0 TD, 9 CARRIES, 204 YDS, 4 TD
That's right, I'm calling you out, Mr. Smith. Do it.
That's all I got right now.
to Calvin Johnson: C'mon, dude. You're Megatron. Suck it up and play already. I spent a 2nd round pick on you all over the place and so far you've only lived up to your reputation as a Lion. Be a man.
to Shonn Greene: So I assume since I've added you on a bunch of teams this week, you're going to be entirely mediocre the rest of the season, correct? You just wanted to tease me (and the rest of fantasyland) with your breakout performance against the lowly Black Holes.
to Jay Cutler: Jay, I have a nagging feeling you are going to lay a big, fat egg vs the Cleveland Stains this weekend. Why is that?
to Cedric Benson: How dare you take a week off.
to Matt Forte: Man, are you looking like the bust of the year. Now if you don't have a huge day against the Cleveland D that just made 2009 Ryan Grant look like
2007 Ryan Grant, I may be forced to drive to Chicago and smack you.
to Brandon Jacobs: Dude, you're huge. I don't have you on a single fantasy team, but could you do me the favor of getting hurt? You're overdue. Plus, then your backup, Ahmad (whom I DO have on several teams) will get the full load of carries he deserves.
to Andre Johnson: Not really much to say here. I guess it's perfectly understandable to not play because of a lung contusion. Wuss.
to Ricky Williams: A week after carrying me to an unlikely victory, I have a feeling you're going to have the following statline: 5 carries, 13 yards, 0 TDs, 1 big bowl of crow for me.
to Frank Gore: When Vernon "Stonehands" Davis steals your thunder, you've got a problem.
to Jonathan Stewart, Steve Smith 1.0: Eesh. Any chance you guys could do anything on offense? How bout this? Bench Delhomme, let DeAngelo take ALL the direct snaps, put the Daily Show in the backfield with him, and run the triple wing with Version 1.0. This is what those stats would look like:
Delhomme: 0 for 0, 0 yds, 0 TDs, and, most importantly, 0 turnovers
Williams: 2 for 2, 14 yds, 0 TDs; 22 carries, 109 yds, 2 TD
Stewart: 18 carries, 75 yds, 1 TD
Smith: 2 catches, 14 yds, 0 TD, 9 CARRIES, 204 YDS, 4 TD
That's right, I'm calling you out, Mr. Smith. Do it.
That's all I got right now.
Friday, October 31, 2008
All-NBA Team
Clearly, I am addicted to funny names.
Eddie House (Celtics) - So did his high school friends call him "Take it to the"? And I'm not just referring to basketball here.
Brian Scalabrine (Celtics) - looks like some sort of skin abnormality
Keyon Dooling (Nets) - Just a misplaced "r" away from Mr. Drooling. Not good.
Stromile Swift (Nets) - Really? Stromile? What can that possibly be a combination of? Or a derivative of? Who knows.
Samuel Dalembert (76ers) - Perhaps a fancy flavor of sorbet at your local ice cream parlor?
Nathan Jawai (Raptors) - He's a mixed martial art unto himself.
Roko Ukic (Raptors) - Wow, that's awkward. Lotta hard-k sounds. Perhaps 1 too many.
Joakim Noah (Bulls) - Untrustworthy because of the two-first-names rule already established
Thabo Sefolosha (Bulls) - I have no idea what nationality this guy could possibly be
Vinny del Negro (Bulls) - Not a player any more, but a new head coach. I had to include him here because it's just funny that he's white and his name is "Vinny of the black"
(pretty unimpressed with the NBA name-wise so far. I suppose smaller rosters makes for less fun)
And just when I say that, the Cleveland Cavaliers present themselves. Awesome.
J.J. Hickson - There's something very meta about a self-describing name of this nature
Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Maybe his parents started his name at the end of the English alphabet, but decided to give up when they got to 'X'
Sasha Pavlovic - Not very manly...
Eric Snow - Also not very manly...
Wally Szczerbiak - Maybe a little too manly. I mean, really? Wally? What kid doesn't get ridiculed in grade school for being named Wally? And it probably took him until high school just to learn how to spell his own last name. "szcz?" What kind of start is that for the poor kid?
Anderson Varejao - Another one of those guys who filled out the "Last Name-First Name" section of the entry form wrong.
Jawad Williams - Aw man, I just stepped in a big jawad of bubble gum. Dammit.
Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, thank you. And back to the show.
Alex Acker, Arron Afflalo (Pistons) - Four As! How about that! Plus, Afflalo is just awful to pronounce. Hey, Arron? Maybe you could (1) spell you first name right and (2) drop that first 'L' from your last name? C'mon, help a guy out.
Cheikh Samb (Pistons) - I actually just ordered this dish the other week at Dobhan, the Nepali restaurant my wife and I like to visit. What? He's a professional basketball player? Oh. Must have had something else then.
Travis Diener (Pacers) - Not a crazy name, but I had no idea this hometown Wisconsin guy was in the NBA! Awesome, way to go, Travis! And his name rhymes with "weiner". Heh heh
Jarrett Jack (Pacers) - He's friends with Mr. Varejao, no doubt.
Brandon Rush (Pacers) - The coach had better hope he does, considering how bad the rest of the team is
Luc Mbah a Moute (Bucks) - I believe this guy is an actual prince in his native African country, which is awesome. Hopefully, royalty can infuse the Bucks with a few more wins this season
Speedy Claxton (Hawks) - Should really be driving in NASCAR.
Joe Johnson (Hawks) - Probably has brothers named Jim, Jon, and Jack
Zaza Pachulia (Hawks) - You know that horrible-smelling oil that hippies "bathe" with? It all emanates from this guy
Alexis Ajinca (Bobcats) - Yet another A.A. name. Pretty surprising actually
Linton Johnson (Bobcats) - Picture the scene: A young boy, helping his mother with chores, is forever psychologically scarred when he realizes the awfulness of his name, as his mother calls out from the other room: "Make sure when you take the clothes out of the dryer, you remove all the lint then, Linton" Oi.
Nazr Mohammed (Bobcats) - Why the "r"? It just seems incongruous
Emeka Okafor (Bobcats) - Boy, the Bobcats are really giving the Cavs a run for their money here. I feel like you spell his name exactly backwards and it would have the same effect without losing any meaning whatsoever.
Udonis Haslem (Heat) - His parents must have thought quite highly of him, even in the womb
Dwyane Wade (Heat) - Mr. Wade, please fix your 'y'
Yakhouba Diawara (Heat) - Wow, looks like a tropical plant or something
Marcin Gortat (Magic) - Awesome. I actually laughed out loud at this name. Go on, read it out loud to yourself......pretty funny, right? Gortat sounds like a creature from that Warcraft game.
JaVale McGee (Wizards) - On a complete tangent, I really wish the Washington NBA team was still the Bullets, despite the obvious negative connotations. They had such a cool logo. As for this guy's name? Too many small-letter-then-big-letter occurrences. There should be an absolute maximum of 1 of those per person, maybe less.
Chris Kaman (Clippers) - Name's ok, but man, does this guy have the worst hair in all of basketball or what?
Cuttino Mobley, Brian Skinner (Clippers) - Perhaps Kaman can talk to his teammates about a possible trim...
D.J. Mbenga (Lakers) - And after the game, he'll be featured at the night club down the street, where he specializes in trance, house, and industrial
Sasha Vujacic (Lakers) - Really? There's 2 Sashas in the NBA? I'm sorry, but that's just too much.
Boris Diaw (Suns) - Now there's an awkward mouthful of letters
Goran Dragic (Suns) - He should battle with Gortat (see above) for NBA Mortal Kombat-style name supremacy
Alando Tucker (Suns) - Love that this guy made an NBA team. Love it
Bobby Brown (Kings) - Boy, is Whitney going to be pissed when he skimps on that alimony check. I mean, he's gotta be raking it in, what with the r&b career, and now a life in pro basketball to boot? Talk about diversifying
John Salmons (Kings) - Y'know, I don't generally think of NBA players as "outdoorsy" types, but my mind may have been changed.
Beno Udrih (Kings) - Upset stomach? Gas pains? Just hang out with this guy for a few hours and you'll be good as new.
DeSagana Diop (Mavs) - I actually thought he and Boris Diaw (Suns) were the same guy. Oops
Jason Kidd (Mavs) - Certainly isn't anymore. Not by a long stretch. I remember seeing him play in college at Cal, which would have been in the mid-90s, and he looked really old then.
Aaron Brooks (Rockets) - Really? I thought he retired from the Raiders a couple of years ago? And had shoulder problems? Should he really be lacing it up for the run-n-gun Rockets? Is that wise? Oh, he's a little guy from Oregon, you say? 2nd year? Clearly, I've been led astray
Von Wafer (Rockets) - Where's his first name? It should be something like Ulrich or Lars.
Hamed Haddadi (Grizzlies) - Alright, first, are there really any grizzly bears even near the Memphis area? Doesn't seem likely. Regardless, this guy's name seems a likely candidate for a "First Basketball Player Name Spoken by a Newborn Baby by Accident" award
O.J. Mayo (Grizzlies) - Do you think his family is at war with the other condiments? Do you think his family is universally loved in France? Do you think he scorns pickles? Do you think...oh alright, I'll let it go.
Melvin Ely (Hornets) - Last name is too short, oddly enough. You wouldn't think it would be a problem, but it's kind of hard to see, all small n stuff.
Ian Mahinmi (Spurs) - Ian? Really? In the NBA? I am suddenly craving some sort of exotic fish for dinner though.
Fabricio Oberto (Spurs) - I hope this guy is in line to inherit the Oberto beef jerky fortune, cause man, is that a gold mine!
Chucky Atkins (Nuggets) - Perhaps a grown man should try to distance himself a little from being associated with a stupid maniacal puppet.
Nene Hilario (Nuggets) - Why yes, that joke you just told certainly was hilario! (Not really, I'm just placating you)
Linas Kleiza (Nuggets) - Linas just doesn't seem like the right kind of name for a dominant basketball player
Kudos to the Minnesota Timberwolves for having the most boring roster of names I've seen. And possibly one of the worst teams.
Jarryd Bayless (Blazers) - If anyone needs a 'y,' Captain Consonant here has one or two to spare.
Channing Frye (Blazers) - Maybe he could trade Bayless his 'e' for another 'y'?
Joel Przybilla (Blazers) - The consonants have gone wild! Somebody help!
Kyrylo Fesenko (Jazz) - Holy cow, look at that! The consonant frenzy has spread to another team entirely! Maybe the previous 4 guys can find a couple friends and/or relatives and start a rap group called the Yz Guys. Get it? Why not?
Ok, that's all I got. Glad it picked steam there after a slow start. Boy, work has been slow this afternoon. It's Halloween, the kids are off from school, and it's 70 degrees outside. In October in Wisconsin. And it was snowing on Monday. Bizarre.
Eddie House (Celtics) - So did his high school friends call him "Take it to the"? And I'm not just referring to basketball here.
Brian Scalabrine (Celtics) - looks like some sort of skin abnormality
Keyon Dooling (Nets) - Just a misplaced "r" away from Mr. Drooling. Not good.
Stromile Swift (Nets) - Really? Stromile? What can that possibly be a combination of? Or a derivative of? Who knows.
Samuel Dalembert (76ers) - Perhaps a fancy flavor of sorbet at your local ice cream parlor?
Nathan Jawai (Raptors) - He's a mixed martial art unto himself.
Roko Ukic (Raptors) - Wow, that's awkward. Lotta hard-k sounds. Perhaps 1 too many.
Joakim Noah (Bulls) - Untrustworthy because of the two-first-names rule already established
Thabo Sefolosha (Bulls) - I have no idea what nationality this guy could possibly be
Vinny del Negro (Bulls) - Not a player any more, but a new head coach. I had to include him here because it's just funny that he's white and his name is "Vinny of the black"
(pretty unimpressed with the NBA name-wise so far. I suppose smaller rosters makes for less fun)
And just when I say that, the Cleveland Cavaliers present themselves. Awesome.
J.J. Hickson - There's something very meta about a self-describing name of this nature
Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Maybe his parents started his name at the end of the English alphabet, but decided to give up when they got to 'X'
Sasha Pavlovic - Not very manly...
Eric Snow - Also not very manly...
Wally Szczerbiak - Maybe a little too manly. I mean, really? Wally? What kid doesn't get ridiculed in grade school for being named Wally? And it probably took him until high school just to learn how to spell his own last name. "szcz?" What kind of start is that for the poor kid?
Anderson Varejao - Another one of those guys who filled out the "Last Name-First Name" section of the entry form wrong.
Jawad Williams - Aw man, I just stepped in a big jawad of bubble gum. Dammit.
Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, thank you. And back to the show.
Alex Acker, Arron Afflalo (Pistons) - Four As! How about that! Plus, Afflalo is just awful to pronounce. Hey, Arron? Maybe you could (1) spell you first name right and (2) drop that first 'L' from your last name? C'mon, help a guy out.
Cheikh Samb (Pistons) - I actually just ordered this dish the other week at Dobhan, the Nepali restaurant my wife and I like to visit. What? He's a professional basketball player? Oh. Must have had something else then.
Travis Diener (Pacers) - Not a crazy name, but I had no idea this hometown Wisconsin guy was in the NBA! Awesome, way to go, Travis! And his name rhymes with "weiner". Heh heh
Jarrett Jack (Pacers) - He's friends with Mr. Varejao, no doubt.
Brandon Rush (Pacers) - The coach had better hope he does, considering how bad the rest of the team is
Luc Mbah a Moute (Bucks) - I believe this guy is an actual prince in his native African country, which is awesome. Hopefully, royalty can infuse the Bucks with a few more wins this season
Speedy Claxton (Hawks) - Should really be driving in NASCAR.
Joe Johnson (Hawks) - Probably has brothers named Jim, Jon, and Jack
Zaza Pachulia (Hawks) - You know that horrible-smelling oil that hippies "bathe" with? It all emanates from this guy
Alexis Ajinca (Bobcats) - Yet another A.A. name. Pretty surprising actually
Linton Johnson (Bobcats) - Picture the scene: A young boy, helping his mother with chores, is forever psychologically scarred when he realizes the awfulness of his name, as his mother calls out from the other room: "Make sure when you take the clothes out of the dryer, you remove all the lint then, Linton" Oi.
Nazr Mohammed (Bobcats) - Why the "r"? It just seems incongruous
Emeka Okafor (Bobcats) - Boy, the Bobcats are really giving the Cavs a run for their money here. I feel like you spell his name exactly backwards and it would have the same effect without losing any meaning whatsoever.
Udonis Haslem (Heat) - His parents must have thought quite highly of him, even in the womb
Dwyane Wade (Heat) - Mr. Wade, please fix your 'y'
Yakhouba Diawara (Heat) - Wow, looks like a tropical plant or something
Marcin Gortat (Magic) - Awesome. I actually laughed out loud at this name. Go on, read it out loud to yourself......pretty funny, right? Gortat sounds like a creature from that Warcraft game.
JaVale McGee (Wizards) - On a complete tangent, I really wish the Washington NBA team was still the Bullets, despite the obvious negative connotations. They had such a cool logo. As for this guy's name? Too many small-letter-then-big-letter occurrences. There should be an absolute maximum of 1 of those per person, maybe less.
Chris Kaman (Clippers) - Name's ok, but man, does this guy have the worst hair in all of basketball or what?
Cuttino Mobley, Brian Skinner (Clippers) - Perhaps Kaman can talk to his teammates about a possible trim...
D.J. Mbenga (Lakers) - And after the game, he'll be featured at the night club down the street, where he specializes in trance, house, and industrial
Sasha Vujacic (Lakers) - Really? There's 2 Sashas in the NBA? I'm sorry, but that's just too much.
Boris Diaw (Suns) - Now there's an awkward mouthful of letters
Goran Dragic (Suns) - He should battle with Gortat (see above) for NBA Mortal Kombat-style name supremacy
Alando Tucker (Suns) - Love that this guy made an NBA team. Love it
Bobby Brown (Kings) - Boy, is Whitney going to be pissed when he skimps on that alimony check. I mean, he's gotta be raking it in, what with the r&b career, and now a life in pro basketball to boot? Talk about diversifying
John Salmons (Kings) - Y'know, I don't generally think of NBA players as "outdoorsy" types, but my mind may have been changed.
Beno Udrih (Kings) - Upset stomach? Gas pains? Just hang out with this guy for a few hours and you'll be good as new.
DeSagana Diop (Mavs) - I actually thought he and Boris Diaw (Suns) were the same guy. Oops
Jason Kidd (Mavs) - Certainly isn't anymore. Not by a long stretch. I remember seeing him play in college at Cal, which would have been in the mid-90s, and he looked really old then.
Aaron Brooks (Rockets) - Really? I thought he retired from the Raiders a couple of years ago? And had shoulder problems? Should he really be lacing it up for the run-n-gun Rockets? Is that wise? Oh, he's a little guy from Oregon, you say? 2nd year? Clearly, I've been led astray
Von Wafer (Rockets) - Where's his first name? It should be something like Ulrich or Lars.
Hamed Haddadi (Grizzlies) - Alright, first, are there really any grizzly bears even near the Memphis area? Doesn't seem likely. Regardless, this guy's name seems a likely candidate for a "First Basketball Player Name Spoken by a Newborn Baby by Accident" award
O.J. Mayo (Grizzlies) - Do you think his family is at war with the other condiments? Do you think his family is universally loved in France? Do you think he scorns pickles? Do you think...oh alright, I'll let it go.
Melvin Ely (Hornets) - Last name is too short, oddly enough. You wouldn't think it would be a problem, but it's kind of hard to see, all small n stuff.
Ian Mahinmi (Spurs) - Ian? Really? In the NBA? I am suddenly craving some sort of exotic fish for dinner though.
Fabricio Oberto (Spurs) - I hope this guy is in line to inherit the Oberto beef jerky fortune, cause man, is that a gold mine!
Chucky Atkins (Nuggets) - Perhaps a grown man should try to distance himself a little from being associated with a stupid maniacal puppet.
Nene Hilario (Nuggets) - Why yes, that joke you just told certainly was hilario! (Not really, I'm just placating you)
Linas Kleiza (Nuggets) - Linas just doesn't seem like the right kind of name for a dominant basketball player
Kudos to the Minnesota Timberwolves for having the most boring roster of names I've seen. And possibly one of the worst teams.
Jarryd Bayless (Blazers) - If anyone needs a 'y,' Captain Consonant here has one or two to spare.
Channing Frye (Blazers) - Maybe he could trade Bayless his 'e' for another 'y'?
Joel Przybilla (Blazers) - The consonants have gone wild! Somebody help!
Kyrylo Fesenko (Jazz) - Holy cow, look at that! The consonant frenzy has spread to another team entirely! Maybe the previous 4 guys can find a couple friends and/or relatives and start a rap group called the Yz Guys. Get it? Why not?
Ok, that's all I got. Glad it picked steam there after a slow start. Boy, work has been slow this afternoon. It's Halloween, the kids are off from school, and it's 70 degrees outside. In October in Wisconsin. And it was snowing on Monday. Bizarre.
Fantasy football players who will wrong me this weekend...
**With a nod to Matthew Berry and his Love/Hate column on ESPN.com**
Last week I managed to pull out a crazy victory in my 20-team Yahoo league, thanks to Chris Hope's 5 tackle, 2 INT game Monday night vs. the Colts. I won by less than 5 total pts--what a comeback. Tougher challenge this week with three LBs and L.T. out on byes. And so I will present a list of musing on the fantasy goings-on this weekend (in no particular order):
1. Terrell Owens - I have a feeling the G-men will be able to shut him down, not to mention the fact that Brad Johnson is starting again and he's like 85 years old.
2. Randy Moss - Matt Cassel has the arm of an 85-year-old, it seems at times. Boy, my team with Moss and Owens as the top 2 picks is really going places...
3. Ryan Grant - Hate to root against the hometown boy, but man, it's like he's been running on his knees all year. Hey, Ryan, maybe you could learn some of those advanced, video-game-style moves. You know, like "jump," "spin," "juke" and other complicated maneuvers.
4. Maurice Jones-Drew - I suppose I should have expected that the hyphenated name would come back to haunt me (hyphenated names are one my all-time pet peeves).
5. Steve Slaton - Not that I really expect much against the Vikings run D, but I have a feeling his stat line will look something like: 15 carries, 9 yards, 2 fumbles, 0 catches = -4 fantasy pts. Just a hunch.
6. When is Chris Cooley going to catch a frickin touchdown? Let's go, Capt. Caveman.
7. Paging Reggie Wayne, your table is ready. Maybe you could return the favor with more than 2 catches this week? And possibly some yards as well?
8. Brett the Jet. By all rights, he should do well in Buffalo, a cold-weather city. But he won't. The Gunslinger's talent is wilting under the media spotlight in NY. Plus, the Bills were my favorite team when I was a little kid. Plus, they have a guy named Youboty, which is just awesome.
9. God help me. My starting WRs on one team are Steve Breaston, Rashied Davis, and Bernard Berrian. And that team will probably do better than the Owens/Moss team.
10. Antonio Bryant - The Bucs play at KC and won't need to pass at all. Like ever.
11. I believe whole-heartedly that Willis McGahee will lay a stinker against the Browns Sunday. And Le'Ron McClain, whom has spurned my brother's teams repeatedly, will vulture a TD somehow.
12. Braylon - he has a high level of sucktitude.
13. Giants D vs. Titans D - Tough call here. I seriously don't know which D will be better. Ideas?
14. The Smiths (Kevin and Kolby) - Terrible teams? Check. Playing vs. tough Ds? Check. Crappy defense on your own team? Check. Both starting on one of my teams this weekend? You betcha.
15. Derrick Ward will have a huge game. Just wait and see. Also, Steve Breaston will be huge. I'm calling it right here.
16. I just dropped Jevon Kearse, so he'll probably sack Aaron Rodgers at least twice this week.
17. That's all I got.
Last week I managed to pull out a crazy victory in my 20-team Yahoo league, thanks to Chris Hope's 5 tackle, 2 INT game Monday night vs. the Colts. I won by less than 5 total pts--what a comeback. Tougher challenge this week with three LBs and L.T. out on byes. And so I will present a list of musing on the fantasy goings-on this weekend (in no particular order):
1. Terrell Owens - I have a feeling the G-men will be able to shut him down, not to mention the fact that Brad Johnson is starting again and he's like 85 years old.
2. Randy Moss - Matt Cassel has the arm of an 85-year-old, it seems at times. Boy, my team with Moss and Owens as the top 2 picks is really going places...
3. Ryan Grant - Hate to root against the hometown boy, but man, it's like he's been running on his knees all year. Hey, Ryan, maybe you could learn some of those advanced, video-game-style moves. You know, like "jump," "spin," "juke" and other complicated maneuvers.
4. Maurice Jones-Drew - I suppose I should have expected that the hyphenated name would come back to haunt me (hyphenated names are one my all-time pet peeves).
5. Steve Slaton - Not that I really expect much against the Vikings run D, but I have a feeling his stat line will look something like: 15 carries, 9 yards, 2 fumbles, 0 catches = -4 fantasy pts. Just a hunch.
6. When is Chris Cooley going to catch a frickin touchdown? Let's go, Capt. Caveman.
7. Paging Reggie Wayne, your table is ready. Maybe you could return the favor with more than 2 catches this week? And possibly some yards as well?
8. Brett the Jet. By all rights, he should do well in Buffalo, a cold-weather city. But he won't. The Gunslinger's talent is wilting under the media spotlight in NY. Plus, the Bills were my favorite team when I was a little kid. Plus, they have a guy named Youboty, which is just awesome.
9. God help me. My starting WRs on one team are Steve Breaston, Rashied Davis, and Bernard Berrian. And that team will probably do better than the Owens/Moss team.
10. Antonio Bryant - The Bucs play at KC and won't need to pass at all. Like ever.
11. I believe whole-heartedly that Willis McGahee will lay a stinker against the Browns Sunday. And Le'Ron McClain, whom has spurned my brother's teams repeatedly, will vulture a TD somehow.
12. Braylon - he has a high level of sucktitude.
13. Giants D vs. Titans D - Tough call here. I seriously don't know which D will be better. Ideas?
14. The Smiths (Kevin and Kolby) - Terrible teams? Check. Playing vs. tough Ds? Check. Crappy defense on your own team? Check. Both starting on one of my teams this weekend? You betcha.
15. Derrick Ward will have a huge game. Just wait and see. Also, Steve Breaston will be huge. I'm calling it right here.
16. I just dropped Jevon Kearse, so he'll probably sack Aaron Rodgers at least twice this week.
17. That's all I got.
Friday, September 26, 2008
All-MLB Name Team, Vol 1
Well--the NFL was so much fun and you know baseball has more foreign names to offer. Plus, I don't follow baseball very much, so most of these names are new to me as well, providing extra shock value.
and so we begin...
Milton Bradley (Rangers)- is he a DH? is he a board game pioneer? is he both? one of the greatest names ever in professional sports
Coco Crisp (Red Sox)- an OF? a breakfast cereal character? hard to say.
Danys Baez (Orioles)- what, are there two of him?
Rocky Cherry (Orioles) - really? I'm still on the 1st roster and we already have danys and this ice cream flavor? This is going to be awesome.
Radhames Liz (Orioles) - this guy got married and took his wife's maiden first name
Aubrey Huff (Orioles) - if you saw the NFL name team, this guy is undoubtedly friends with mackenzy bernadeau
David Aardsma (Red Sox) - as close as I think we'll ever see to someone named 'aardvark'
Phil Coke (Yankees) - was this guy named in the Mitchell report?
Joba Chamberlain (Yankees) - I actually know who this guy is. Still doesn't excuse the name. C'mon, isn't 'joba' like a Japanese pocket toy similar to the Giga-pets of yesteryear?
Melky Cabrera (Yankees) - does he have a brother named 'Juicy'? how bout 'Beery'?
Jae Kuk Ryu (Rays) - Yeah, I know. And generally I would leave Eastern-origin names off, but seriously, this looks like a character from Mortal Kombat. I have no idea how it's pronounced, let alone what order they actually function in
Rocco Baldelli (Rays) - should be a prize fighter in Jersey
Kevin Mench (Blue Jays) - as in Kevin "Oh, you know my friend Skip, he a real..."
Boone Logan (White Sox) - Clearly filled out the paperwork for employment wrong when it said "Last Name--First Name"
Jason Bourgeois (White Sox) - Yeah, he plays baseball for the working-class South-siders, but when he gets home to his mansion by Lake Michigan, he kicks back by the pool with his trophy wife and revels in his own name/lifestyle.
Josh Fields (White Sox) - Does he? Anyone?
Nick Swisher (White Sox) - the Happy Gilmore of Major League Baseball
Jensen Lewis (Indians) - see "Boone Logan" above
Asdrubal Cabrera (Indians) - For the life of me, I can't pronounce this guy's first name
Jhonny Peralta (Indians) - Excuse me, Mr. Peralta, you have clearly misplaced your 'H'
Shin-Soo Choo (Indians) - Seems like a bad caricature from an old Western
Kenny Rogers (Tigers) - I thought he was like 70 years old! Congrats, Kenny. Glad to see you're keeping in shape by throwing the ol' ball around from time to time, whilst still belting out those mellow country classics. Thank you, Kenny Rogers, for all your goodness.
Ryan Braun () - on this list mostly because he is NOT the Brewers OF, but a pudgy relief pitcher for Kansas City. Who knew?
Jimmy Gobble (Royals) - gobble, gobble, gobble, here, turkey, turkey, turkey...
Esteban German (Royals) - some sort of ethnic heritage mash-up here...
Ross Gload (Royals) - It's just funny to look at
Kila Ka'aihue (Royals) - a Hawaiian in the big leagues? Awesome. I can't imagine there's a lot of pickup baseball games in the South Pacific. Oh wait...he plays for the Royals
Boof Bonser (Twins) - I actually just read a story about guys who have legally changed their names in pro sports and this guy is one of 'em. Apparently, he was called 'Boof' as a child and it just stuck, so he changed it legally. I'm not buying it. My guess? He lost a pool game or bar bet and had to change his name to whatever he said when his buddy punched him in the stomach. Boof!
Dennys Reyes (Twins) - Again with the plural first name?
Shawn Loux (Angels) - Where's the 'de la'? It seems like there should be more to this guy's name
Chone Figgins (Angels) - What the hell's a chone? It sounds like a disgusting Scottish pastry or something.
Vladimir Guerrero (Angels) - another confluence of cultures, he has to be the only Vlad in the world with dreadlocks
Kirk Saarloos (Athletics) - Way too many vowels
Justin Duchscherer (Athletics) - Before you say this name looks fine, think about this span of letters: 'chsch'. Find that in another word (or name for that matter)
Kurt Suzuki (Athletics) - Big motorbike fan. Some of these are just too easy
J.J. Putz (Mariners) - I think the only way you can make 'Putz' worse than it already is? Go by initials instead of an actual name
R.A. Dickey (Mariners) - Quick! There's an initial epidemic in Seattle!
Tug Hulett (Mariners) - Was this guy a longshoreman? I realize the Mariners are terrible this year, but couldn't they have recruited from an actual baseball team instead of the docks?
Frank Francisco (Rangers) - So if we reduce his name to one language, he's really just 'Frank Frank', right?
Bill White (Rangers) - Paging Mr. Generic, your table for one is ready
Jarrod Saltalamacchia (Rangers) - Mostly because it's excruciatingly long
Taylor Teagarden, German Duran, Frank Catalanotto (Rangers) - Man, the Rangers are full of 'em. I officially declare them the San Diego Chargers of the American League
Alright, that's all I got for tonight. It's early, but the Brewers are on (and winning), and I didn't go to bed until 3am last night. Watch for Vol 2 (the National League) coming soon.
and so we begin...
Milton Bradley (Rangers)- is he a DH? is he a board game pioneer? is he both? one of the greatest names ever in professional sports
Coco Crisp (Red Sox)- an OF? a breakfast cereal character? hard to say.
Danys Baez (Orioles)- what, are there two of him?
Rocky Cherry (Orioles) - really? I'm still on the 1st roster and we already have danys and this ice cream flavor? This is going to be awesome.
Radhames Liz (Orioles) - this guy got married and took his wife's maiden first name
Aubrey Huff (Orioles) - if you saw the NFL name team, this guy is undoubtedly friends with mackenzy bernadeau
David Aardsma (Red Sox) - as close as I think we'll ever see to someone named 'aardvark'
Phil Coke (Yankees) - was this guy named in the Mitchell report?
Joba Chamberlain (Yankees) - I actually know who this guy is. Still doesn't excuse the name. C'mon, isn't 'joba' like a Japanese pocket toy similar to the Giga-pets of yesteryear?
Melky Cabrera (Yankees) - does he have a brother named 'Juicy'? how bout 'Beery'?
Jae Kuk Ryu (Rays) - Yeah, I know. And generally I would leave Eastern-origin names off, but seriously, this looks like a character from Mortal Kombat. I have no idea how it's pronounced, let alone what order they actually function in
Rocco Baldelli (Rays) - should be a prize fighter in Jersey
Kevin Mench (Blue Jays) - as in Kevin "Oh, you know my friend Skip, he a real..."
Boone Logan (White Sox) - Clearly filled out the paperwork for employment wrong when it said "Last Name--First Name"
Jason Bourgeois (White Sox) - Yeah, he plays baseball for the working-class South-siders, but when he gets home to his mansion by Lake Michigan, he kicks back by the pool with his trophy wife and revels in his own name/lifestyle.
Josh Fields (White Sox) - Does he? Anyone?
Nick Swisher (White Sox) - the Happy Gilmore of Major League Baseball
Jensen Lewis (Indians) - see "Boone Logan" above
Asdrubal Cabrera (Indians) - For the life of me, I can't pronounce this guy's first name
Jhonny Peralta (Indians) - Excuse me, Mr. Peralta, you have clearly misplaced your 'H'
Shin-Soo Choo (Indians) - Seems like a bad caricature from an old Western
Kenny Rogers (Tigers) - I thought he was like 70 years old! Congrats, Kenny. Glad to see you're keeping in shape by throwing the ol' ball around from time to time, whilst still belting out those mellow country classics. Thank you, Kenny Rogers, for all your goodness.
Ryan Braun () - on this list mostly because he is NOT the Brewers OF, but a pudgy relief pitcher for Kansas City. Who knew?
Jimmy Gobble (Royals) - gobble, gobble, gobble, here, turkey, turkey, turkey...
Esteban German (Royals) - some sort of ethnic heritage mash-up here...
Ross Gload (Royals) - It's just funny to look at
Kila Ka'aihue (Royals) - a Hawaiian in the big leagues? Awesome. I can't imagine there's a lot of pickup baseball games in the South Pacific. Oh wait...he plays for the Royals
Boof Bonser (Twins) - I actually just read a story about guys who have legally changed their names in pro sports and this guy is one of 'em. Apparently, he was called 'Boof' as a child and it just stuck, so he changed it legally. I'm not buying it. My guess? He lost a pool game or bar bet and had to change his name to whatever he said when his buddy punched him in the stomach. Boof!
Dennys Reyes (Twins) - Again with the plural first name?
Shawn Loux (Angels) - Where's the 'de la'? It seems like there should be more to this guy's name
Chone Figgins (Angels) - What the hell's a chone? It sounds like a disgusting Scottish pastry or something.
Vladimir Guerrero (Angels) - another confluence of cultures, he has to be the only Vlad in the world with dreadlocks
Kirk Saarloos (Athletics) - Way too many vowels
Justin Duchscherer (Athletics) - Before you say this name looks fine, think about this span of letters: 'chsch'. Find that in another word (or name for that matter)
Kurt Suzuki (Athletics) - Big motorbike fan. Some of these are just too easy
J.J. Putz (Mariners) - I think the only way you can make 'Putz' worse than it already is? Go by initials instead of an actual name
R.A. Dickey (Mariners) - Quick! There's an initial epidemic in Seattle!
Tug Hulett (Mariners) - Was this guy a longshoreman? I realize the Mariners are terrible this year, but couldn't they have recruited from an actual baseball team instead of the docks?
Frank Francisco (Rangers) - So if we reduce his name to one language, he's really just 'Frank Frank', right?
Bill White (Rangers) - Paging Mr. Generic, your table for one is ready
Jarrod Saltalamacchia (Rangers) - Mostly because it's excruciatingly long
Taylor Teagarden, German Duran, Frank Catalanotto (Rangers) - Man, the Rangers are full of 'em. I officially declare them the San Diego Chargers of the American League
Alright, that's all I got for tonight. It's early, but the Brewers are on (and winning), and I didn't go to bed until 3am last night. Watch for Vol 2 (the National League) coming soon.
The NFL All-Name Team
Atari Bigby (Packers S) - simply awesome
Syndric Steptoe (Browns WR) - I couldn't even imagine this
Michael Bumpus (Seahawks WR) - What a funny name to say
Early Doucet (Cardinals WR) - Early for what?
Yamon Figurs (Ravens KR) - A Jamaican mathematician, perhaps?
Frostee Rucker (Browns DT) - My brother suggested you should really try ordering a "frostee rucker" at Wendy's, which would probably result in you getting kicked out. Totally worth it.
D'Qwell Jackson (Browns LB) - I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure this is the only d-q occurrence on the English language
Larry Foote (Steelers LB) - Just funny
Orpheus Roye (Steelers DT) - Sounds like a Shakespeare character
D'Brickashaw Ferguson (Jets T) - It's the extra 'a' before the 'shaw' that really does it
N.D. Kalu (Texans DE) - What could possibly be so bad that you would prefer to go by 'N.D.'?
T.J. Rushing (Colts CB) - A more perfect name for football? I think not
Ashton Youboty (Bills CB) - No, no, you booty
Samson Satele (Dolphins C) - Great name for an offensive lineman
Le Kevin Smith (Patriots DT) - He's either a reserve DT for New England or the French version of the Lions' rookie RB
Nnamdi Asomugha (Raiders CB) - Any time you can start your name with two 'n's, it's a bonus
Jon Condo (Raiders OL) - ...and his made-up friends, Mike Apartment and Bill Townhouse
Terdell Sands (Raiders DE) - Heh, heh, heh...terd
Ebenezer Ekuban (Broncos DE) - Holy E's, Batman--His mom probably thought, "you know, I'll name my child after a character made popular by a cartoon duck"
Brandon Manumaleuna (Chargers TE), Legedu Naanee (Chargers TE), Scott Mruczkowski (Chargers LS) - The Chargers currently have the market cornered on unpronounceable names
Ikaika Alama-Francis (Lions LB) - Really? There's just too much going on here
Jimmy Kleinsasser (Vikings TE) - Nothing like a grown man going by "Jimmy," especially when his last name and body shape are so closely linked
Jamaal Fudge (Falcons CB) - Maybe he can hang out with Frostee Rucker
Mackenzy Bernadeau (Panthers G) - Apparently, he plays guard for the Panthers and is not, as I fully expected, a 12-year-old girl
Na'il Diggs (Panthers LB) - Still a classic
Jermon Bushrod (Saints T) - Totally sounds like the porn name you get when you combine your first pet's name and the street you grew up on
Buck Ortega (Saints TE) - ...or heir to the salsa fortune? You decide
Andrew Economos (Buccaneers LS) - Is this the singular form of 'economy'?
Sabby Piscitelli (Buccaneers S) - Clearly a character from Grease
Aqib Talib (Buccaneers CB) - There are very few words that end in 'b'--here's two of them
Brooks Bollinger (Cowboys QB) - Not an overly funny name, but he makes the list for continually defying logic and remaining on an NFL roster
Kay-Jay Harris (Giants RB) - For those who have difficulty deciphering basic letters like 'K' and 'J', we have the phonetical spelling
Chris Snee (Giants G) - Wasn't he in Peter Pan?
Guy Whimper (Giants OL) - Saddest name ever for an offensive lineman
Fred Smoot (Redskins CB) - Another classic--'smoot' should be a verb, as in "man, you got smooted on that one"
Tully Banta-Cain (49ers LB) - None of his three names will ever be mistaken for real words
Jeb Putzier (Seahawks TE) - Best redneck name in the NFL
Mansfield Wrotto (Seahawks G) - Oh boy, where to begin. There's so much wrong with this name, it offends me just looking at it
Richie Incognito (Rams G) - as what? you might ask
Dane Looker (Rams WR) - as in Dane "I'm not much of a...
and for a coach, we go to the college ranks for Houston Nutt.
and one final fun fact: There are not 1, but 2 players in the NFL with the last name McQuistan. Go figure.
Syndric Steptoe (Browns WR) - I couldn't even imagine this
Michael Bumpus (Seahawks WR) - What a funny name to say
Early Doucet (Cardinals WR) - Early for what?
Yamon Figurs (Ravens KR) - A Jamaican mathematician, perhaps?
Frostee Rucker (Browns DT) - My brother suggested you should really try ordering a "frostee rucker" at Wendy's, which would probably result in you getting kicked out. Totally worth it.
D'Qwell Jackson (Browns LB) - I'd have to check, but I'm pretty sure this is the only d-q occurrence on the English language
Larry Foote (Steelers LB) - Just funny
Orpheus Roye (Steelers DT) - Sounds like a Shakespeare character
D'Brickashaw Ferguson (Jets T) - It's the extra 'a' before the 'shaw' that really does it
N.D. Kalu (Texans DE) - What could possibly be so bad that you would prefer to go by 'N.D.'?
T.J. Rushing (Colts CB) - A more perfect name for football? I think not
Ashton Youboty (Bills CB) - No, no, you booty
Samson Satele (Dolphins C) - Great name for an offensive lineman
Le Kevin Smith (Patriots DT) - He's either a reserve DT for New England or the French version of the Lions' rookie RB
Nnamdi Asomugha (Raiders CB) - Any time you can start your name with two 'n's, it's a bonus
Jon Condo (Raiders OL) - ...and his made-up friends, Mike Apartment and Bill Townhouse
Terdell Sands (Raiders DE) - Heh, heh, heh...terd
Ebenezer Ekuban (Broncos DE) - Holy E's, Batman--His mom probably thought, "you know, I'll name my child after a character made popular by a cartoon duck"
Brandon Manumaleuna (Chargers TE), Legedu Naanee (Chargers TE), Scott Mruczkowski (Chargers LS) - The Chargers currently have the market cornered on unpronounceable names
Ikaika Alama-Francis (Lions LB) - Really? There's just too much going on here
Jimmy Kleinsasser (Vikings TE) - Nothing like a grown man going by "Jimmy," especially when his last name and body shape are so closely linked
Jamaal Fudge (Falcons CB) - Maybe he can hang out with Frostee Rucker
Mackenzy Bernadeau (Panthers G) - Apparently, he plays guard for the Panthers and is not, as I fully expected, a 12-year-old girl
Na'il Diggs (Panthers LB) - Still a classic
Jermon Bushrod (Saints T) - Totally sounds like the porn name you get when you combine your first pet's name and the street you grew up on
Buck Ortega (Saints TE) - ...or heir to the salsa fortune? You decide
Andrew Economos (Buccaneers LS) - Is this the singular form of 'economy'?
Sabby Piscitelli (Buccaneers S) - Clearly a character from Grease
Aqib Talib (Buccaneers CB) - There are very few words that end in 'b'--here's two of them
Brooks Bollinger (Cowboys QB) - Not an overly funny name, but he makes the list for continually defying logic and remaining on an NFL roster
Kay-Jay Harris (Giants RB) - For those who have difficulty deciphering basic letters like 'K' and 'J', we have the phonetical spelling
Chris Snee (Giants G) - Wasn't he in Peter Pan?
Guy Whimper (Giants OL) - Saddest name ever for an offensive lineman
Fred Smoot (Redskins CB) - Another classic--'smoot' should be a verb, as in "man, you got smooted on that one"
Tully Banta-Cain (49ers LB) - None of his three names will ever be mistaken for real words
Jeb Putzier (Seahawks TE) - Best redneck name in the NFL
Mansfield Wrotto (Seahawks G) - Oh boy, where to begin. There's so much wrong with this name, it offends me just looking at it
Richie Incognito (Rams G) - as what? you might ask
Dane Looker (Rams WR) - as in Dane "I'm not much of a...
and for a coach, we go to the college ranks for Houston Nutt.
and one final fun fact: There are not 1, but 2 players in the NFL with the last name McQuistan. Go figure.
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