All-NBA Team

Clearly, I am addicted to funny names.

Eddie House (Celtics) - So did his high school friends call him "Take it to the"? And I'm not just referring to basketball here.
Brian Scalabrine (Celtics) - looks like some sort of skin abnormality
Keyon Dooling (Nets) - Just a misplaced "r" away from Mr. Drooling. Not good.
Stromile Swift (Nets) - Really? Stromile? What can that possibly be a combination of? Or a derivative of? Who knows.
Samuel Dalembert (76ers) - Perhaps a fancy flavor of sorbet at your local ice cream parlor?
Nathan Jawai (Raptors) - He's a mixed martial art unto himself.
Roko Ukic (Raptors) - Wow, that's awkward. Lotta hard-k sounds. Perhaps 1 too many.
Joakim Noah (Bulls) - Untrustworthy because of the two-first-names rule already established
Thabo Sefolosha (Bulls) - I have no idea what nationality this guy could possibly be
Vinny del Negro (Bulls) - Not a player any more, but a new head coach. I had to include him here because it's just funny that he's white and his name is "Vinny of the black"

(pretty unimpressed with the NBA name-wise so far. I suppose smaller rosters makes for less fun)

And just when I say that, the Cleveland Cavaliers present themselves. Awesome.
J.J. Hickson - There's something very meta about a self-describing name of this nature
Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Maybe his parents started his name at the end of the English alphabet, but decided to give up when they got to 'X'
Sasha Pavlovic - Not very manly...
Eric Snow - Also not very manly...
Wally Szczerbiak - Maybe a little too manly. I mean, really? Wally? What kid doesn't get ridiculed in grade school for being named Wally? And it probably took him until high school just to learn how to spell his own last name. "szcz?" What kind of start is that for the poor kid?
Anderson Varejao - Another one of those guys who filled out the "Last Name-First Name" section of the entry form wrong.
Jawad Williams - Aw man, I just stepped in a big jawad of bubble gum. Dammit.

Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, thank you. And back to the show.

Alex Acker, Arron Afflalo (Pistons) - Four As! How about that! Plus, Afflalo is just awful to pronounce. Hey, Arron? Maybe you could (1) spell you first name right and (2) drop that first 'L' from your last name? C'mon, help a guy out.
Cheikh Samb (Pistons) - I actually just ordered this dish the other week at Dobhan, the Nepali restaurant my wife and I like to visit. What? He's a professional basketball player? Oh. Must have had something else then.
Travis Diener (Pacers) - Not a crazy name, but I had no idea this hometown Wisconsin guy was in the NBA! Awesome, way to go, Travis! And his name rhymes with "weiner". Heh heh
Jarrett Jack (Pacers) - He's friends with Mr. Varejao, no doubt.
Brandon Rush (Pacers) - The coach had better hope he does, considering how bad the rest of the team is
Luc Mbah a Moute (Bucks) - I believe this guy is an actual prince in his native African country, which is awesome. Hopefully, royalty can infuse the Bucks with a few more wins this season
Speedy Claxton (Hawks) - Should really be driving in NASCAR.
Joe Johnson (Hawks) - Probably has brothers named Jim, Jon, and Jack
Zaza Pachulia (Hawks) - You know that horrible-smelling oil that hippies "bathe" with? It all emanates from this guy
Alexis Ajinca (Bobcats) - Yet another A.A. name. Pretty surprising actually
Linton Johnson (Bobcats) - Picture the scene: A young boy, helping his mother with chores, is forever psychologically scarred when he realizes the awfulness of his name, as his mother calls out from the other room: "Make sure when you take the clothes out of the dryer, you remove all the lint then, Linton" Oi.
Nazr Mohammed (Bobcats) - Why the "r"? It just seems incongruous
Emeka Okafor (Bobcats) - Boy, the Bobcats are really giving the Cavs a run for their money here. I feel like you spell his name exactly backwards and it would have the same effect without losing any meaning whatsoever.
Udonis Haslem (Heat) - His parents must have thought quite highly of him, even in the womb
Dwyane Wade (Heat) - Mr. Wade, please fix your 'y'
Yakhouba Diawara (Heat) - Wow, looks like a tropical plant or something
Marcin Gortat (Magic) - Awesome. I actually laughed out loud at this name. Go on, read it out loud to yourself......pretty funny, right? Gortat sounds like a creature from that Warcraft game.
JaVale McGee (Wizards) - On a complete tangent, I really wish the Washington NBA team was still the Bullets, despite the obvious negative connotations. They had such a cool logo. As for this guy's name? Too many small-letter-then-big-letter occurrences. There should be an absolute maximum of 1 of those per person, maybe less.
Chris Kaman (Clippers) - Name's ok, but man, does this guy have the worst hair in all of basketball or what?
Cuttino Mobley, Brian Skinner (Clippers) - Perhaps Kaman can talk to his teammates about a possible trim...
D.J. Mbenga (Lakers) - And after the game, he'll be featured at the night club down the street, where he specializes in trance, house, and industrial
Sasha Vujacic (Lakers) - Really? There's 2 Sashas in the NBA? I'm sorry, but that's just too much.
Boris Diaw (Suns) - Now there's an awkward mouthful of letters
Goran Dragic (Suns) - He should battle with Gortat (see above) for NBA Mortal Kombat-style name supremacy
Alando Tucker (Suns) - Love that this guy made an NBA team. Love it
Bobby Brown (Kings) - Boy, is Whitney going to be pissed when he skimps on that alimony check. I mean, he's gotta be raking it in, what with the r&b career, and now a life in pro basketball to boot? Talk about diversifying
John Salmons (Kings) - Y'know, I don't generally think of NBA players as "outdoorsy" types, but my mind may have been changed.
Beno Udrih (Kings) - Upset stomach? Gas pains? Just hang out with this guy for a few hours and you'll be good as new.
DeSagana Diop (Mavs) - I actually thought he and Boris Diaw (Suns) were the same guy. Oops
Jason Kidd (Mavs) - Certainly isn't anymore. Not by a long stretch. I remember seeing him play in college at Cal, which would have been in the mid-90s, and he looked really old then.
Aaron Brooks (Rockets) - Really? I thought he retired from the Raiders a couple of years ago? And had shoulder problems? Should he really be lacing it up for the run-n-gun Rockets? Is that wise? Oh, he's a little guy from Oregon, you say? 2nd year? Clearly, I've been led astray
Von Wafer (Rockets) - Where's his first name? It should be something like Ulrich or Lars.
Hamed Haddadi (Grizzlies) - Alright, first, are there really any grizzly bears even near the Memphis area? Doesn't seem likely. Regardless, this guy's name seems a likely candidate for a "First Basketball Player Name Spoken by a Newborn Baby by Accident" award
O.J. Mayo (Grizzlies) - Do you think his family is at war with the other condiments? Do you think his family is universally loved in France? Do you think he scorns pickles? Do you think...oh alright, I'll let it go.
Melvin Ely (Hornets) - Last name is too short, oddly enough. You wouldn't think it would be a problem, but it's kind of hard to see, all small n stuff.
Ian Mahinmi (Spurs) - Ian? Really? In the NBA? I am suddenly craving some sort of exotic fish for dinner though.
Fabricio Oberto (Spurs) - I hope this guy is in line to inherit the Oberto beef jerky fortune, cause man, is that a gold mine!
Chucky Atkins (Nuggets) - Perhaps a grown man should try to distance himself a little from being associated with a stupid maniacal puppet.
Nene Hilario (Nuggets) - Why yes, that joke you just told certainly was hilario! (Not really, I'm just placating you)
Linas Kleiza (Nuggets) - Linas just doesn't seem like the right kind of name for a dominant basketball player

Kudos to the Minnesota Timberwolves for having the most boring roster of names I've seen. And possibly one of the worst teams.

Jarryd Bayless (Blazers) - If anyone needs a 'y,' Captain Consonant here has one or two to spare.
Channing Frye (Blazers) - Maybe he could trade Bayless his 'e' for another 'y'?
Joel Przybilla (Blazers) - The consonants have gone wild! Somebody help!
Kyrylo Fesenko (Jazz) - Holy cow, look at that! The consonant frenzy has spread to another team entirely! Maybe the previous 4 guys can find a couple friends and/or relatives and start a rap group called the Yz Guys. Get it? Why not?

Ok, that's all I got. Glad it picked steam there after a slow start. Boy, work has been slow this afternoon. It's Halloween, the kids are off from school, and it's 70 degrees outside. In October in Wisconsin. And it was snowing on Monday. Bizarre.